I want you to read something. It's my journal entry of about 8 minutes ago. I am forgiven, know this is true. I feel so amazingly in awe of Christ's forgiveness, & let. me. tell you. His forgiveness is REAL. Trust me--the fact that I was able to forgive myself says a lot. He is so gracious!
"I am so filled with shame. It’s sickening. It’s painful and the tears are more brutal than before. But I can’t begin to tell you how much anger and hatred is in my heart and it scares me. It frustrates me. It angers me even more than I already am. I knew the Bible talked about this. “Those foolish disputes come straight from the heart.” It’s true. But why? Why has this built up in me? What do I do now that I realize how much hate and anger is in me? This sucks. Why can’t I follow the commandments?
”Do not quarrel…” “Be gentle to everyone…” “Be at peace amongst yourselves”
And as I continue to look through those underlined words in the Bible, my heart feels softened. This one always gets to me:
"Put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so also must you forgive. Above all put on love—the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of the Messiah…control your hearts.”
Colossians 2:12-14
It’s so easy to read & agree with it until you’re faced with the decision to actually obey it. Pride gets in the way. Me and ash (my sister) had the WORST ever fight. It was filled with cruel words, even pushing each other physically. It was so brutal that even the fact that the kids were present and watching didn’t stop us. I hate this. I even threw my phone at her! I feel so ashamed and angry more with myself. But that fact that she had to say, ”And you call yourself a holy little Christian?” That gets to me more than anything else. Anything.
I already asked God to forgive me. And I believe he did. But I can’t so easily forgive myself. I hate it. When that verse said, “just as Christ has forgiven you…you must also forgive” it helps me greatly. So if HE can forgive ME for being this way, I ought to not only forgive myself, but Ash.
Of course the devil had to do this a day before God takes us to Israel. I even considered staying here instead of going b/c I’m afraid to fight like this with ash. It’s so weird. Sometimes, I can control this anger & temper. But on days like today, I blow up—yelling and throwing rude comments. The thing is, she is right about the holy little Christian remark. I knew that all along. I never claimed myself to be perfect! Ugh. Just b/c I do call myself a Christian, doesn’t mean I am perfect!
Lord, help me. I can’t say sorry, b/c in my heart I still feel troubled. No she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, but neither did I by you. I have so much shame I feel like I can’t go on b/c the memory is too vivid and the hurt is great. I need YOU. I can’t do this alone. I am so sorry. I am living in agony!
GOD, CREATE IN ME A CLEAN HEART! AND RENEW A STEADFAST SPIRIT WITHIN ME!
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious; slow to anger and full of faithful love.” –Psalm 103:8-
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
“Help me understand the meaning of Your precepts.” –Psalm 119:27-
“Help me stay on the path of Your commands.” V. 35
“Don’t let sin dominate me.” V. 133
“LORD, if You considered sins, LORD, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness.” Psalm 130:3-4
Thank You Jesus! You’ve renewed my heart and I feel SO MUCH BETTER! You are so gracious to forgive!"
Okay. So why did I share this? It's because I want you to know I do not claim myself perfect. 2, it's to show you how gracious our Lord is! 3, it's to show you these verses. I love the "how far the east is from the west.." one. East and west can never meet! And He removes the sickening shame!
It's SO hard to be a "perfect little Christian". But I don't have to be perfect. My Father's love is so GREAT! He forgives us, so we must also forgive. Trust me--I did NOT want to. I do believe He created a clean heart in me. I need HIS strength--I can't do this alone anymore. Sure more fights will arise. But Oh, how I long for His strength.
If you get anything out of this--God forgives!
