From The Journal: Singing in the dark

It's been a long time since I've just...written.

I mean...trust me. My journal does not go untouched. 

But sometimes I think my imagination does.

I love forming words and making them beautiful & attractive.

I'll read back on my old writings & realize it was not me writing! (know what I mean?)

Tomorrow is March 1st.

And every 1st of the month is always a sorta sad time. 

It's unplanned, but usually I write in my journal every 1st for some reason. And it's always about the same thing: my future.

January, February, was a feeling of fear. But throughout the month...I'm fine. I'm free.

But why is it always the 1st that my heart begins to shake?

-Should I go to college?

-Where should I go to college?

-Should I go to a community one or out of state?

-How far should it be?

-What am I even gonna go for?

-What will I be?

Such questions can make a person crazy!

They always overwhelm me...on the 1st of every month.

I'm serious too, because I have documented proof.

But what I feared about on January 1st, was cleared up & figured out by February 1st.

Isn't that great?! (It doesn't always work that way, btw)

I think it's important to write down all that you're feeling & going through. 

Then look back on it later & see how perfectly God took care of it.

My heart loves to sing.

But when the little birdie passes a dark valley...she is just so afraid. 

Haha, I can just picture her flapping her wings, sweating, & trying her hardest to tweet while trying to see in the darkness.

"Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark."

For some reason I remembered that quote from an old art project in the 10th grade.

Hmmm. Maybe because it so accurately describes me?

(The part about being in the dark...)

I want to sing even in the dark valley!

So we'll see.

My future may be unknown...but my God isn't!

Even though I used to get rained on...I want to start turning that rain upside down & let it take me for a ride!

Kinda like this picture:

Oh, the desire!

To skate!

I want to feel the ice beneath my feet again. Dancing on water that is frozen. Skating to glorious music, in rhyme with my movement. Letting the chilled air whip at my face & turn my nose red. 

I want to feel so free again as my skates carve up the ice. I want to spin until I am dizzy, & jump like a fox.

I miss the way I'd feel graceful.

I miss the way people would bump into me.

I miss lacing up my white boots.

I miss my foot hitting the rink for the first time that day.

I miss smiling at myself for hitting that move.

I miss just skating in circles.

I miss this.

And now my skates don't fit, and my dream is bigger than ever.